Mind over matter...?

I thought I was at peace with being a single mum. I mean I've been doing this for six years. I was a single mum when my son was born. I was a single mum through most of my pregnancy. It's all I know. I manage. I do better than manage.

But since I've been sick for the last seven weeks (nothing life threatening or serious), I've had to deal with a lot of grief and tears. Grief born of having no one to care for me or my son when I feel sick, drained or exhausted. Single parenthood and illness are not a good mix. I've even felt depression raise its ugly head because I haven't exercised in over a month. My motivation is so low and I just don't see the point of anything. My studies are suffering because I can't concentrate - I just want to stay in bed.

I've promised myself tomorrow will be different. Despite feeling under the weather I really have to make an effort to get on task. I've put an affirmation near my bed. I will wake up and believe in myself. I can do this. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and feel YES!! I feel great, healthy and energetic. Full of vim and vigor!

Ok I'm off to bed to visualise my new self before I go to sleep. Tomorrow!

Grieving a marriage six years on - is that weird?

Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about my ex and crying. I've felt pretty angry and let down by him for the last six and a half years - he's visited our son once in that time and it was a week of extreme stress for me and of course, a good amount for the boy too. But that's another story.

Yesterday, somewhere through the veil of tears I glimpsed in my mind's eye the person that I fell in love with. I felt the emotional loss. It was as if my heart was opening slightly to him and to life. I also felt compassion toward him because he has missed out on these six beautiful years. He doesn't know the feeling of a little hand in his, and the trust that flows from a child when they feel completely safe and loved. What a loss.

That's not to say that I've thrown away the laundry list of wrongs and complaints. I guess they're just not so emotionally charged anymore.

Could it be that forgiveness and letting go is on the way? That would be a beautiful thing.

Birthday phobia

Confession: I have never thrown a birthday party for my son.

I must be the most neurotic parent on the planet because I've never been able to organise a birthday party for my son due to my own fears. It's just always felt too stressful. Most of the time I operate from a place of exhaustion and complete overwhelm, so the thought of organising a party for a bunch of little kids just freaks me out. Throw in parents I don't know, a house that needs spring cleaning and I'm pretty much ready for a meltdown. Did I mention that I'm a single mother with no ex or family support within 2000 km? Yep that too.

But this year I felt I couldn't fob him off with a "How about we visit a themepark?" as I did last year (and the year before that). Especially now that he's in school with new friends. I talked it over with fellow single mum and neighbour, Alice. When out of the blue she just jumped in and offered to host the event! "It'll be easy", she said. "12-3, Feed them. Play games. Swim in the pool." She did make it sound easy. I guess it is, when you have some support.

That was Saturday. It's Tuesday now and we have done the shopping, organised the balloon bender, ordered the cake and he's handed out invitations. I'm still nervous as hell but he's so excited and happy that my stuff is definitely taking a back seat.

What can I say? We single parents need support. It's been hard for me to find it sometimes. But when it's offered I think you have to take it.

Universe please send more!!!

I thought I would have repartnered by now.

Six years ago, almost to the day I gave birth to a unspeakably beautiful baby boy. It was a bittersweet time as I had separated from his father in the first trimester of the pregnancy (fortunately those "happy" pregnancy hormones got me through). I attended birthing classes with my sister, feeling out of place in the room full of expectant couples, continued to wear my wedding ring and never told a soul at work about the breakup. It was a hard time.

Fast forward to six years later and I'm still on my own. I'm proud to say that we're both doing fine. There's been overseas travel, more or less secure employment, studies, a nice home but somehow I didn't picture myself still being alone. I feel a little sad that I've probably missed the boat to have a second child, although I am of course incredibly grateful for the one I have. I know I'm not actively "trying" to meet someone - meaning I don't go out of my way to date or socialise. My excuse is I'm too tired and too broke to organise babysitters and nights out, but to be honest I think I'm just too insecure and scared.

I've had to deal with a certain amount of bitterness toward my ex-husband and unfortunately my opinion of the male sex has been coloured by my own experience. Adding to this, I live in a town full of middle-aged teenagers who live to surf and don't appreciate life's responsibilities getting in the way. Being a single mum, my life seems to be at the other extreme - over-responsibility and a lack of fun.

I guess I'm hoping this blog might steer me in the right direction. Any advice is gratefully accepted.